Dear Jonathan

Another L O N G week.  You spent most of it in bed.  Today you went to work, and I know you will be in bed for the next 3 days.  That makes me so sad to see you so debilitated like this.

Saw your Cardiologist this week, you are also scheduled for, yet another, stress test, *sigh* and he manages to diagnose you with 2 more ailments!!  It just never ends for you does it??  I think the list would be shorter if we talked about what WASN'T ailing you!!

But then again.....we'll have to try and find something, I'm sure if we put our heads together we could find ONE thing on your body that doesn't hurt.

We just have to keep praying and keep up our faith in God.  It's the only way we are going to get through all of this together.

I love you!!  ♥

Dear Jonathan

Well, it just doesn't seem to end for you does it??  We went to see your Cardiologist today and got told that you ALSO have Irritable Bowel Syndrome and Minears Disease.  

He is also going to test for a rare tumor as well.  You have an appointment for another stress test.  He wants you to see the ENT.  I'm not sure what you think at this point.  

I know you are tired of fighting the fight.  Tired of having to work to keep a roof over our heads.  You are just tired.  You don't have to keep the fight up for me.  Only do it for yourself.  

We've discussed the options and you know I will abide by your wishes.  When you are too tired, it's ok to let go.  

Dear Jonathan

Well, today was D-Day, last day of the month and we are no where near having everything done that needed to be accomplished by today.  And ya know what.  I'm not that stressed over it.  It's just going to get done when it gets done.

We have lots of furniture to move out of the office, lots of stuff still to box up and then we have to move it all.  I've got most of my creative space packed up, I just need some tape and a few more boxes and I'll get that moved out this week and into the house.

We still need to deal with the stuff in storage, but need a truck for that.  Got no truck yet!!

You worked for just over 2 hours today on your office and have been passed out since we got home.  It breaks my heart to see you this sick so soon after finding out about the kidney disease.  Your health is deteriorating so quickly, I wasn't ready for you to be so sick so soon.  I've been doing my best to wait on you and get you what you need.  I really hope I'm doing all I can for you right now.

We go to the Cardiologist tomorrow afternoon, I'm not sure what he's got to offer other than, "Well, there's not much more we can do."

You failed to inform me that he told you 2 years ago that he said you couldn't go much longer on all that medication they had you on.  When I asked you why you didn't tell me, you said, "Well, I didn't want to worry you."  Yeah, I would have worried, but I also would have started to sock away some cash, so you wouldn't have to worry about finances now.  You know how I can squirrel away money!!

But this is the path that God has put us on, and we will walk it til the end together.  I'm sure He's got something good in store for both of us.  I'm keeping the faith!!  I have to or I'll go crazy right now.

A quote for today instead of a video.......

After all, to a well-organized mind, death is but the next adventure.  ~J.K. Rowling

Dear Jonathan

We've been so busy lately that I've not had a chance to post anything.

We went to see the Kidney specialist last week and he made a suggestion to change up one of your medications and after we discussed it you would rather have quality of life, not quantity.  I support whatever your decision is. It's your body and I totally understand why you choose the options you do.

We see the Cardiologist next week, all your test point to a very strong heart, just the kidneys of a very old man.

I accessed Hospice last week as well.  I needed to get plugged into a good support network while we go through this and for afterwards as well.  They were amazing after my dad passed away, so I felt safe to access them again.

I was walking home from the park with Rudy tonight and was thinking that we got Rudy together and I'm so glad that I'll have him to comfort me after.  I know he will never leave my side during my grief.  He's such a faithful and loving dog.  He will always be a piece of you with me.  That brings me comfort.  I'm sure he will be grieving as well, so we will have to support each other.

You've had a really rough weekend.  Not feeling very well at all, up and out of bed really early Saturday morning, not well enough to get up for Church today.  But a bonus for you.....I'm feeling much better the past 2 days and I've been able to wait on you hand and foot.  Gave you a pedicure on Saturday and got your feet looking nice again.

We have another busy week ahead again, cleaning out the office and my creative space.  And we have the storage locker as well.  I'm ready to just call the garbage truck for that, we've not used anything in there the whole time it's been there, what's the point.  Guess we don't need that stuff eh??

Dear Jonathan

And yet another emotional filled week has passed.  Decisions to be made, frustration abounds, tears erupt, and through all of this we need to keep God the center of it all.

Without Him in our lives we are nothing, we will go nowhere, and Satan will move in and takes over our lives.  He would like nothing more than to see our marriage fail and both our lives fall apart during this whole thing.

I know I've been an emotional wreck since we found out the news, life doesn't seem fair.  I'm angry, frustrated, depressed, and I'd like nothing more than to just curl up under a rock and die right now.

I just never imagined that we wouldn't have 10 years together.  Why is God doing this to YOU??  All your hard Ministry work is coming to an end.  Right now you are up at the office getting it ready to close at the end of the month.  A huge chapter in your life is closing and I'm so sad for that.

It's going to be awhile before the doctor has my medication tweaked just right so I'm not so depressed, in the mean time, please have patience with me while we struggle through all these decisions together.  I don't have all the answers.  I know how tired you are.  I'm here for you and I love you.  Please have patience.

We have another busy week ahead of us.  I guess it's going to be like this for awhile.  I'll do my best to help with the load.  Let's trust God in this and take one day at a time.

Dear Jonathan

Well, we certainly had an emotion filled day yesterday.  You spoke at Church and stood up in front of our Congregation and told them that you only had less than a year to live.  When Pastor Ron gave you the stage, he quickly came back and sat down beside me so I would feel safe and secure and you shared what was going on in our lives.

I can only imagine how difficult that was for you.  You choked up a few times, made some funny cracks, which helped lighten things up a bit, but most of all you spoke from your heart about your passion, your Mens Ministry and how with a very heavy heart you were going to have to close the doors of your practice.

My heart is breaking for you right now.

You also had the courage to stand up in front of everyone and publicly apologize to me for trying to push me away from you for the past year for selfish reasons.  You didn't want to see me suffer and go through the pain and sorrow of losing you.  I whole heartedly accept your apology and love you even more than I did yesterday.

Todays lesson: Learning to live in the moment.  I keep saying I'm trying to learn to live in the moment, I'm working on it, I don't get it, I don't understand how to get there.  You just mentioned that if I change my wording it would help me get there.

So your suggestion has been this: "I choose to fully live in the moment, letting go of my past, and leaving my future in the hands of God."

So much to learn, so little time, but apparently just enough time in God's eyes.  His timing is perfect.  I have to trust that.

Dear Jonathan

Well, it was a little of a month ago now that you finally went to the doctor and were diagnosed with end stage 2 Kidney Disease.  Yesterday we found out that you are now at stage 4.  Emotions have run high, I've had to leave home for 2 weeks to try and de-stress from what is happening to our lives.  I'm angry at God for what is happening.  I'm angry at you because you are going to leave me.  It seems everyone I love ends up leaving me in one way or another.  So I've detached myself from people and just have Rudy Dawg as my best friend.  I know that no matter what he will be there for me during this difficult time and be there for me to lick my tears and snuggle on my lap, as only a 50lb dog can, and help me pick up the pieces of my life after God takes you home.

I know in my heart that you are so blessed to be going home to God.  After all these years of pain with all your aliments you will finally find comfort in Jesus' arms.  I'm so happy that my Aunt brought me to the Lord so I know there is something better for you after you are gone.  I'm at peace with that.

It's going to be a hard month closing down your office and saying farewell to all your hard work you have done in this Valley for the past 7 years, but I'm looking forward to us making memories in the time you have left with me here.

You know how well I like to share *LOL*  And you know this is my dads song I choose for him after he accepted Christ on Canada Day 2007 before he passed.....but I would like it to be your song too.  Even though out time together has only been 4 short years so far, I pray that the Lord will give us enough time for you to teach me how to live in the moment, to have more gratitude, allow others into my life again and to love you more than I can possibly imagine.